火球

2024.02.23

图腾基金会准备编撰一部百科全书，因此招募了八个大学博士、专家和教授组成编委会，集中在一个公馆里管吃管住，这八个人中有七个是单身汉，一个是死了妻子的鳏夫，基金会安排了一个管家布拉格小姐来管理这栋房子，照料他们的起居生活。也许是条件太优越，照顾的太周到了，他们在这里养尊处优，乐不思蜀，工作进度一拖再拖，9年了还没有完成编撰工作，把老东家给活活熬走了，预计还要3年才能完成这项工作。每半年一次的例行检查开始了，那帮专家教授别看迂腐，但是心眼子可不少，他们使出了“美男计”，急忙帮助最年轻的教授伯特朗•波茨捯饬一番，准备让他出面应对基金会和图腾小姐，期待会收到意想不到的效果。

老东家也就是图腾小姐的父亲生前为这个计划留下了25万美金的预算，现在这个编委会已经花掉了28.3万美金，超预算部分都是从图腾小姐的个人口袋里出的，对于专家教授们预计的还要三年时间完成，图腾小姐表示不同意，她坦言父亲做这件事完全是出于虚荣心，笑话的是这部百科全书里面30页用来写发明灯泡的爱迪生，17页给了发明电话的贝尔，但是发明面包机的丹尼尔•图腾却只字未提，当他父亲得知自己的名字没有出现在这部百科全书里时气的差点背过气去，古尔卡柯教授纠正道还是有四分之三页的，图腾小姐倒是很客观的说他父亲也就值这么多了。

基金会律师拉尔森先生提出提前结束百科全书的编撰工作，这个时候波茨教授登场亮相了，教授的脑回路就是清新，“如果我们的工作进展很慢，那是因为地球转得太快”，这和中国的老俗话“睡不着觉埋怨枕头，拉不出来屎怨地球没有吸引力”都是一个套路的，属于猪八戒的耙子，倒打一耙。不过图腾小姐倒是听的津津有味，看来还是“情人眼里出西施”。波茨教授的一番热情洋溢的夸赞换来了图腾小姐的心猿意马，最后波茨教授用去看图腾小姐的音乐剧换来了图腾小姐同意编委会的无限期延续，这样他们又可以继续折腾和磨蹭下去了。

美国民众把英语“发扬光大”，他们在民间创造性的发明了很多方言和俚语，可以说是目不暇接，层出不穷，即使是语言学教授的波茨也是闻所未闻，几乎听不懂什么意思，成了井底之蛙。因此波茨教授决定摈弃闭门造车的做法，出去做社会调研，去大街上，贫民窟，或者剧院酒吧里收集这些民间方言俚语。就这样波茨教授阴差阳错的的认识了歌舞女郎凯瑟琳•欧榭小姐。此时她正因为男友乔丁香涉嫌犯罪而四处躲避检察院的传讯，于是顺势躲到了百科全书的编委会公馆里来。

回到公馆住处的波茨教授被专家教授们缠着讲他调研遭遇的奇闻逸事，尤其是在剧院邂逅美女的事，让他们垂涎欲滴，羡慕不已。别看这些专家教授平时一本正经的，像个正人君子，私下里谈论起女人来和普通男人一个德行。他们正缠着波茨聊剧院后台和芭蕾舞演员们的艳遇，门铃响了，美女殴榭光鲜亮丽的出现让这一群老光棍眼前一亮，欧榭小姐看到屋里有这么多老头一时吓懵圈了，有一种羊入虎口的感觉，而这些衣冠不整的专家教授们更是吓得纷纷躲藏起来。不过很快欧榭发现这些专家教授都很文明，对于欧榭的留宿请求，专家教授们举双手欢迎，就这样欧榭在这个检察院怎么也想不到的地方蛰伏下来。

美女的留宿乐坏了这群专家教授，第二天一大早他们就集体敲门向欧榭问候早安，好尽快再次一睹她的芳容，但是他们又非常腼腆可爱，为谁帮助欧榭小姐拉上连衣裙后面的拉链讨论半天。几天的朝夕相处下来，专家教授们非常开心，他们跟在欧榭后面如痴如醉的学习跳舞，忙的不亦乐乎，波茨教授本来奉管家布拉格小姐之命赶欧榭走的，结果被欧榭的魅力和开放迷惑的晕晕乎乎，五迷三道的，实话实说，吐露真心。

两人开始讨论起俚语的“咬咬”来，波茨教授百思不得其解，就在波茨教授绞尽脑汁琢磨这个“咬咬”是个什么意思的时候，欧榭在他面前垫起一摞书站了上去，亲自和他演示什么叫“咬咬”，这下子让波茨教授一下子慌了神，慌不择路的跑上楼去卧室冷敷后脖颈，据说这样可以有效的控制自己的冲动情绪，防止走火入魔，一失足而成千古恨。

都到了这个份上了，波茨教授还是坚持要送欧榭走，他竟然天真的幻想和欧榭保持联系，三年后结束这里的工作后他们再续前缘，真的是迂腐可笑至极。出租车来了，临别前意犹未尽的波茨教授主动提出再和欧榭小姐“咬”一次，这回波茨教授没有控制住自己的情感，一发不可收拾，他下决心要留下欧榭小姐，并且连夜订制了一枚结婚戒指，郑重其事的向她求婚。

美国法律规定妻子不能在法庭上指控她丈夫有罪，因此现在乔丁香需要立刻和欧榭登记结婚，这样检察院就不会再鸡飞狗跳的到处寻找欧榭作证了。这天欧榭接到她男友谎称是她父亲打来的电话，男友乔丁香听说波茨教授已经向欧榭求婚，灵机一动，心生一计，决定将错就错，提出请他们回新泽西老家举办婚礼，让这个教授“女婿”亲自把欧榭送过来。于是波茨带着一帮爱凑热闹的专家教授们一起浩浩荡荡的去欧榭的家乡举办婚礼。就在这时管家布拉格小姐发现了报纸上刊登的黑帮情妇居然想嫁给教授的新鲜事，恍然大悟，她义愤填膺的要报警，欧榭义正严辞的让布拉格小姐放心，她不会嫁给教授的“我爱的是貂皮大衣，不是围裙抹布”，布拉格小姐欲大喊大叫，被欧榭一拳打晕过去。

半路车祸让事情有了变数，金斯顿附近一个叫杨木果园的旅馆里，这帮书生气十足的专家教授出了车祸还在那强词夺理，又是一通什么“不是我撞广告牌，相反是广告牌撞的我”之类的歪理邪说。此时的欧榭心里翻江倒海，五味杂陈，几天的朝夕相处，让她对这些专家教授产生了温馨美好依恋之情，她发自肺腑的说出“我想我会永远记得你们，八个顽皮的小天使，世间绝无仅有。”这类让人莫名其妙感动的话来。

进错了房间的波茨教授一番真情告白真心感动了欧榭小姐，恰在此时乔丁香带着人赶到了旅馆，波茨教授嘴角上的口红印让乔丁香醋意大发，他动手打了波茨教授两个耳光，又一拳打的波茨坐在了椅子上，论打架这群教授可是手无缚鸡之力，根本不是对手。狂妄傲慢的乔丁香言语间对欧榭小姐充满了歧视和羞辱。就在波茨教授准备去欧榭小姐房间叫她过来的时候，被欧榭打晕后关在衣橱里九个小时才逃出来的管家布拉格打的追赶到旅馆来报信，还好她没有报警，波茨教授支走管家后让欧榭小姐赶紧和乔丁香一起走，波茨教授选择成全他们，自己放弃。

一切尘埃落定后，八个专家教授灰溜溜的回到了他们的公馆住处，臊的连早餐都没有胃口吃了。八个才高八斗，学富五车的专家教授被一个黑社会的舞女情妇像耍猴一样捉弄，说出去还有什么脸面为人师表，教书育人？波茨教授总结他们是聪明反被聪明误，就是聪明过了头，这样说他们才好受了一点。不过在发现欧榭小姐留下来的那枚戒指不是波茨教授送给她那枚时，这些老学究们又开始抖机灵的充分发挥想象力了，他们居然搬出弗洛伊德理论来证明欧榭小姐对波茨教授情有独钟。

就在他们为此争论不休的时候，图腾基金会律师拉尔森先生和图腾小姐驾到，报纸上刊登的丑闻让基金会蒙羞，因此他们宣布百科全书编委会立即停止工作，所有人员立刻撤出，卷铺盖走人，这时候两个手持冲锋枪的歹徒出现在了他们面前，一群人吓得面容失色，浑身发抖，不知所措。

就在这些专家教授遭遇劫难的时候，乔丁香和欧榭小姐的结婚也不顺利，欧榭小姐犯了花痴，死活不同意和乔丁香结婚，她坦言爱上了那个喝牛奶都能喝醉的男人，羞愧时脸红到脖颈，不知道怎么接吻的笨蛋，爱他们穿的土里土气以及那些磨破了袖口的衬衫，还有他们总系错的扣子，尽管波茨教授看上去就像个长颈鹿，但是她就爱他。对此乔丁香早有准备，他早已派人挟持了八个教授，以此胁迫欧榭同意和他结婚。

听歹徒们无意中说欧榭小姐悔婚，波茨教授心里重新燃起了希望，科学家们可能因为缺乏感情方面的社会实践，所以情商不高，但是智商绝对是个个爆棚，这是他们的安身立命之本。他们利用物理知识设计制服了歹徒，然后一起乘坐垃圾车奔往新泽西去解救欧榭小姐，这惊险刺激的场面也令图腾小姐兴奋不已，她自愿参加到这场营救行动中来。别看这帮子老光棍泡妞不在行，论起折磨人来可是花样百出，用上古代中国式酷刑，居然是隔吱痒痒，让经受过警察严刑逼供的歹徒没一会就招供出他们的藏身之处。

当一帮子头戴礼帽，身穿燕尾服的绅士们端着枪冲进婚礼现场，高喊着劫道和抢劫时，让人不但不害怕，还忍俊不禁的想笑。用枪挟持着欧榭的乔丁香试图从后门开溜，没有想到悉数被打晕俘获，最后波茨教授给了乔丁香一个决斗的机会。结果波茨教授是个花架子，样子货，一交手就被揍。波茨教授急了，不顾一切的扑上去拼命，真的应了那句话“软的怕硬的，硬的怕不要命”。

警察来了，歹徒们束手就擒，都被扔进了垃圾车送到了检察院。劫后余生的欧榭又像女神被八个专家教授众星捧月，团团围住，他们引经据典，旁正博引来证明波茨教授和她是天生一对，地造一双，命中注定的。波茨教授表示现在这个时候应该停止用语言来表达，他搬来一摞书放在自己面前，然后拉起欧榭开“咬”，其他人一起“咂”了一声后知趣的悄悄离开。

Marriage? I thought I was married to my books. The only thing I thought I could care for deeply was a correctly constructed sentence. The subject, predicate, adverbial clause, each in its proper place, and then you... You see, I've had rather a curious life. I graduated from Princeton when I was 13. I recited Tyger, Tyger Burning Bright when I was a year old. Before I was two, I could read fluently. People like that just, well... You see, dust just piles up on their hearts. And it took you to blow it away. ---- Yes, I love him. I love those hick shirts he wears with the boiled cuffs. And the way he always has his vest buttoned wrong. Looks like a giraffe and I love him. I love him because he's the kind of a guy that gets drunk on a glass of buttermilk. And I love the way he blushes right up over his ears. I love him because he doesn't know how to kiss, the jerk. ---- I'm a man in love.It's the first time in my life. I want to take her in my arms. I thought because I was young. I had self-control but that's not true. I think of her every waking moment. Why, if this marriage had been delayed, I mean, should have been delayed.I mean, should be... Listen to that. Oddly, I don't know my tenses anymore. I've gone goofy, completely goofy,bim-buggy, slap-happy. ——— You must get me out of your mind just as I must get you out of this house. ———— A little sun on my hair and you had to water your neck. ———— After you've declared your feelings, it's the only logical step to take —————— "Look, how this ring encompasseth thy finger.Even so thy breast encloseth my poor heart.Wear both of them, for both of them are thine."

Howard Hawks’ emblematic screwball comedy germinates from the wheeze of Billy Wilder when the latter was still in Germany, it is the quintessential coupling of the pedantic and the sultry, Gary Cooper plays Prof. Bertram Potts, a grammarian who is leading a group of eight scholars compiling and collating an encyclopedia, when a sultry nightclub performer Sugarpuss O’Shea (Stanwyck) takes shelter in their residence in NYC, who indeed is the gun moll of mob boss Joe Lilac (Andrews), the rest is written in the stone although it takes a tortuous route to reach its feel-good finish line. Less loquacious and rapid-fire than Howard’s BRINGING UP BABY (1938), BALL OF FIRE points up the mine of vernacular in lieu of verbal rebuttal between the opposite sexes, it is during Prof. Potts’ field trip to collect current lexicon of slang when he is swept off his feet by a bling-bling Sugarpuss, performing DRUM BOOGIE withGene Krupa and his orchestra, accentuated by the bandleader'skilling drum solo and an ingenious miniature encore with matches. They are two different kettles of fish, a stuffy bachelor vs. a pragmatic siren, a mismatch rarely can make their way out in real life, and that's what enthralls even today’s audience, to watch something profoundly absurd but innocuously entertaining without its story being dumbed down or defamed by crass jokes pandering to the lowest common denominator is almost too good to be true. Also, the star appeal is in high voltage, Cooper is not just a too handsome specimen in a button-down suit, he also makes the schtick of doing everything with proprietieslook effortless and goofy; an Oscar-nominatedStanwyck benefits from an earthier temperament and layers of inner conflicts deviled by her sapio-sexual conversion, is at her best when she retains her phlegm before impishly doling out her“yum yum” to a gawky virgin, which catches him unawares. Another fount of joy comes from the riff on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, as the other 7 professors grows an unanimous affinity to Sugarpuss, to the dismay of the stern housemaid Miss Bragg (Howard), and among them, the only widower is the botanist Prof. Oddly, Richard Haydn brings about a loveably prissy mannerism that steals the limelight in the well-orchestrated crunch when the group has to outmaneuver Joe’s two pistol-wielding henchmen. In short, considerably more accessible and more laid-back than BRINGING UP BABY, BALL OF FIRE excels in conflating different genre fodder (comedy, musical, gangster) into a helluva ride of a modern fairytale, and runs away with our affection on a moment’s notice. referential points: Hawks’ TWENTIETH CENTURY (1934, 6.0/10), BRINGING UP BABY (1938, 7.4/10); George Cukor's THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940, 8.1/10).