戴夫·查普尔：鸟的启示

dave chappelle 2017年底这两场special，我更喜欢 the bird revelation，这场special是于感恩节前的那个周末在洛城的the comedy store录的。其实一直期待有comedian能把好莱坞整风运动说一说，chappelle接了这个烫手山芋，而且完成得很好笑。今晚做札记又看一遍，改成了五星。首先啊，黑人的俚语太好玩，nigger、bitch、word活用起来简直堪比加油剂。ps：中文部分是按照自己的翻译习惯翻译的一上场他就态度很明确：“You guys gotta remember, I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s funny. And everything’s funny until it happens to you.” “你们要记住，我说出来不是为了刻薄，我说出来是因为好笑。任何事情没发生在自己身上都是好笑的。”下一句就黑了洛城：“Well, here we are in Los Angeles. The world capital of rape and dick breath.” “我们身在洛城，强暴和几把味的世界之都。”当天cbs名嘴charlie rose被曝性骚扰：“Charlie Rose! Who’s next, Captain Kangaroo? Everybody is raping like hotcakes! I’m starting to get worried. You know I’ve been in show business for 30 years, I had no idea how much danger I was in.” “查理·罗斯！下一个是谁，袋鼠船长（cbs长寿儿童节目经典角色，由鲍勃·基香扮演，他也是节目主创）？每个人都热衷强奸！我都开始担心了，入行30年，竟然不知道自己一直有多危险。”损harvey weinstein长相的同时，也点出了丑人的心酸： “I’ve got to tell you, Harvey Weinstein is probably the first person that I’ve ever looked at a photograph of and said, ‘Yeah, he rapes.' I’m not sure this motherfucker has a choice. Not a handsome man. A lot of meat and extra skin on his face. He’s ugly. The sad part is, he’s done so well in life, he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly. When you’re good-looking, everybody will tell you. ... When you’re ugly, you’ve got to figure that shit out for yourself. If it was Brad Pitt doing that shit, you wouldn’t have heard a peep.” “告诉你哈维·韦恩斯坦大概是第一个我看了照片就觉得‘没错，他是强奸犯’的人了。这哥们也是迫于无奈，长得不帅，满脸横肉一堆褶子，他挺丑的，悲哀的是，他事业有成，大概都不知道自己丑吧。如果一个人长得好看，大家都会告诉你。… 但是如果一个人长得丑，那这事你就得自己去发现了。如果布拉德·皮特干这事，你保证不会听到一点响儿。”说kevin spacey这段更绝，演员anthony rapp指控其14岁时性骚扰自己，可以说超级政治不正确啦：“I’ve been to a lot of parties in my day. Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it. … Ironically, kid grew up to be gay anyway, which means Kevin Spacey sniffed that shit out like a truffle pig. And not to victim-blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old kid would get himself into. ” “我年轻时去过很多派对，如果有14岁孩子在的派对，那没法好玩。讽刺的是，那孩子长大了就是gay，说明凯文·史派西能像松露猪一样给你嗅出来。我不是要指责受害者，但这事看着像是孩子自找的。”更缺德的在后面：“All joking aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn’t have done that shit to that kid. He was 14 years old and forced to carry a grown man’s secret for 30 years. … The saddest part is, if he had been able to carry that secret for another six months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends.” “不开玩笑，凯文·史派西不该骚扰那孩子，他才14岁，而且被迫带着这个秘密生活了30年 … 最悲哀的是，如果哥们能再把秘密保守个半年，我就能知道《纸牌屋》结局是啥了。”《纽约时报》踢爆louis ck对着female comedians打飞机的事情，他讽刺了人家的“普利策奖”文风：“Louis C.K.’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny, slowly drizzling down like lava, covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped down to a fiery crown of red hair.” “路易ck的精液像火山一样喷发出来，饱含着厌女的气息，岩浆慢慢流淌下来，覆盖了他那满是雀斑的阳具，滴到他那火红的耻毛之上。”一堆人来问他之前是否知道louie的事情：“No, bitch, I did not know. What the fuck do you think we talk about at the comedy club?” “不知道，尼玛，老子不知道。你以为我们都在喜剧俱乐部里聊什么呢？”然后说louie是这群人里头唯一让他笑出声的，哈哈哈，现场他真没控制自己笑了好一会：“Shit was intense, but Louis was like the turning point. All these allegations were terrible. I shouldn’t say this, but fuck it, his allegations were the only ones that made me like laugh. When you think about it, he’s jerking off. He’s surprising people. … I picture all the comics in comedy reading it like, ‘Word!’ It’s terrible, I’m sorry ladies, you’re right. At the same time, Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis. It might be disproportionate, I can’t tell. This is where it’s hard to be a man.” “事情本来很严重，但是路易是个转折点。所有这些指控都很可怕，我可能不该讲这话，但是去他妈的，他的新闻是唯一一个让我笑出声的。试想一下，他在打飞机，他把人惊着了。… 我想象了一下喜剧同僚们在网上看到都会‘卧槽！’。女士们对不起，你们是对的。不过与此同时，天哪，路易一无所有了。结果可能有点太过分了，我不好说。男人也是不容易当。”然后讽刺了指责louie的行为毁掉自己的comedy dreams的女性：“Well then I dare say, madam, you may have never had a dream. C’mon man, that’s a brittle spirit. 那么我敢说，女士，你可能从来没有过梦想。得了吧，那梦想也太脆弱了。You think if Louis C.K. jerked off in front of Dr. [Martin Luther] King, he’d be like, ‘I can’t continue this movement? I’m sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped. I didn’t know this nigger was going to pull his dick out and jerk off like this. I thought we were going to get a couple of drinks and chill’. 你觉得路易ck如果在马丁·路德-金面前打飞机，马丁就会‘黑人运动我是继续不下去了。对不起，黑人自由这事先放着吧。我不知道这哥们要把几把掏出来这么搞啊，我以为我们就是一起喝点东西放松一下’。Show business is just harder than that. Them women sounded like, I hate to say it, they sounded weak. I know it sounds fucked up and I’m not supposed to say that, but one of these ladies was like, ‘Louis C.K. was masturbating while I was on the phone with him.’ Bitch, you don’t know how to hang up the phone? How the hell are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, I’m just saying, I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are.” 演艺圈难多了，也许我不该这么说，那些女人好像太玻璃心了。我知道这话听起来很不是玩意儿，我不该说这话。但是其中有个女人说‘路易ck和我通电话的时候在撸管’，娘们儿，你丫不知道怎么挂电话？混演艺圈你都不晓得啥时候挂电话，那闯荡路上遇到点真正的困难你还不定怎么着呢？我知道路易不对，但是要我说，我心中毁掉梦想的标准要比这些女人认为的高多了。”接下来这句，妙到不行：“Don’t forget who I am. Don’t forget what I am. I am a black dude.” “别忘了我是谁，别忘了我是什么，我，是个黑人。”其实呢，chappelle希望女性能打赢这场仗，但是想对她们说些逆耳忠言：“I don’t think you’re wrong, I just think that you can’t make a lasting peace this way. You got all the bad guys scared. That’s good. But the minute they’re not scared any more, it’ll get worse than it was before. Fear does not make a lasting peace. Ask black people.” “我不认为你们现在做的是错的，我只是认为这么做不利于长久和平。你们让那些坏人都怕了，这一点挺好，但是一旦他们不再害怕了，情况会比之前更糟。恐惧无法制造长久和平，不信你问黑人去。”然后也提供了类似的解决方案，但ending落点又妙：“What this city really needs, without irony, I’ll say this: the cure for L.A. is in South Africa. You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another. The end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t. The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and [Nelson] Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system, and are incentivized by that system, are not criminals. They are victims. The system itself must be tried. But because of how the system works, it’s so compartmentalized as far as information, the only way we can figure out what the system is, is if everyone says what they did. Tell them how you participated. 这个城市真正需要的，正儿八经说啊，洛城需要的方子在南非。你们这帮人需要知道真相，需要相互达成和解。种族隔离的结束本该在人类历史上无论如何都是要经历一场大屠杀的，实际上并没有。唯一的原因就是，德斯蒙德·图图和曼德拉以及其他人搞清楚了一个事实，那就是如果体制腐败了，那么受体制影响、拥护体制的子民就不是罪犯了，他们是受害者。体制本身应该被审判。因为体制如何运转，信息传递的远近也造成群体的不同，我们唯一能做的就是搞清楚体制怎么了，每个人都做了什么，告诉他们你有参与到其中。Because men want to help, they’re just scared. Cuz Ben Affleck tried to help. ‘Hey, what happened to these ladies is disgusting.’ ‘Oh, nigger, you grabbed a titty in ’95.’ ‘All right, fellas, I’m out. Fuck that, I ain’t helping.’ I just want to help. I want to be a good guy.” 因为也有男人想帮忙的，他们真是怕了。本·阿弗莱克想帮忙来着，他们说他‘嗨，你丫95年的时候摸人家胸来着’‘得，大家，我撤了，去他妈的，我不帮忙了’。我只想帮忙，我只想做个好人。”这场整风运动让他都不敢说#metoo了：“I can’t even say the words ‘me too’ anymore. Nigger the night was like ‘Dave I’m going to the comedy club’. I was like I... am also going to the comedy club.” “我现在都不敢说metoo了，哥们那天说‘我要去喜剧俱乐部’，我说‘我也准备去喜剧俱乐部’。”还让他成为了一个女权主义者，超贱：“I guess I became a feminist in the last three weeks, cuz can’t watch porn the same. …I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles. ‘Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard ride’. I can’t click on that. Come on, give me sth I can click on. ‘Dudes get sucked off by a midget’. Little person, I say to myself. Takes me hours to find one clip. What the hell was this? ‘Marginally groom feminist enjoys consensual sex with vaguely homosexual guy with penis same color as mine. Click!” “在过去三个礼拜里，我变成了一个女权主义者，因为我不能再用以往的眼光去看a片了。… 看那些缩略图根本点不下去，那些标题不行。‘男子肿胀下体将年轻女孩菊花摧残殆尽’，这我可点不了，行不行啊，起点我能点的标题。‘侏儒给男子咬’，‘个子小的人’，我在内心纠正道。找了好几个小时，终于发现一段能看的。啥玩意？‘有点男子气的女权主义女子享受和有点同性恋倾向的男子征得双方同意发生性行为’，哥们几把颜色和我一样还，点开！”（可以说极其政治正确了，笑疯啦。）后面半段也很精彩，但是个人特别喜欢前半段跟好莱坞相关的这些，就不写啦。